return of saturn

my life is changing. not necessarily in ways i had imagined, but not in bad ways either. i changed jobs. well, companies. and its caused more waves in my life that i thought it would. my routine is different. the faces i see daily are different. it's weird feeling like i left a chunk of me somewhere else. i was beyond ready to leave where i was. i am elated to be where i am. adjusting just feels...awkward.

i've had a tough summer. pat and i both have. his return of saturn. which has turned my world sideways for a bit. we're managing. we're moving forward.

i lost myself for awhile. i wasn't sure if i should stay home, get up early, run, stop running, sleep in, hide from the heat, roll over and wait for another day, or just carpe diem dude. i felt guilt for running. i felt guilt for feeling the joy running provides me.

but this weekend i had my recentering. friday i ran gravel hills in the godawful heat. i permitted myself to stop every half mile to cool down so i could complete the workout feeling good. and that is precisely what happened. Saturday morning, i ran 16 miles with a friend, but unfairly to him, i was mostly locked inside my brain. not really thinking. just stuck in there. moving through miles; my brain a victim of my legs hijacking. i haven't run more than 10 miles since the Minneapolis Marathon on June 3rd. (i'll write about it eventually. i have things to say about it now that i can make more sense of it). I wasn't sure how i'd do. But i did good. I felt good. my powerful legs and lungs were there, my powerful brain was about a third there. as the day wore on, i allowed myself to feel the pride and joy i've been shoving aside for a few months. and it felt really fucking good to just relish in myself for awhile.

Today, I woke up at 5am to watch the Olympic Women's Marathon. I wanted my girls to do well. If they were going to be out there working, I was going to be up watching them. I had a 10k at 730am and had to miss the end of the race (thank god for twitter). First few miles of the race were hard. My legs were tired and ugh why do i get up earlier on weekends than i do on weekdays?? But somewhere around mile 4 of the chalco path (where i usually get fed up and tired of the rolling hills), i realized i felt good. I felt really fucking good. I kept working, I pushed harder. I passed a tree and a bird flitted out to the end of the branch. A cedar waxwing. The first one I've seen all year. Life is awesome and running gives me so many incredible gifts. I finished the race strong. I finished nearly 3 full minutes faster than last year and on exhausted legs.

So I am granting myself permission to feel pride, joy, gratitude, and bliss. Every day. No matter whose saturn is returning.